Hayyyy, Life!!!

Deep feeling of hurt… and remorse? yup… I felt that I could have done more for him…  maraming sana, na nanatiling "sana" na lang… maraming plans na nanatiling plans na lang… maraming "ifs"… if only im able…. I cried very hard… cguro ito na yung pinakamatindi na iyak ko my whole life… I’m not ready to lose my father… seven months na nung May 7 (he passed away last October 7) pero masakit pa rin isipin and still makes me cry a lot :’( :’( :’(… hindi ko pa rin kayang pag-usapan with other people with out making me teary eyed…

Ansakit pala mawalan ng tatay, sobra!!! I lost so many pets during my childhood and many important people in my life but nothing comparable… ganon pala ang feeling pag alam mo na you’ll never be able to talk to him or even see him again…

    I never imagined that I will feel this way… I grew up na malayo ang loob sa kanya. He was very strict at di mabilang na palo ang natanggap ko sa kanya…

    Kind Hearted… Good looking (I wish I got his genes :D)… Intelligent… and one of the few guys in the world who has a very nice handwriting (he was the barangay secretary for almost 13 years…)… Those are just few of the adjectives others would say about him… Never was there a person in need na lumapit sa kanya na pinahindian nya… A hero, a friend - that is what he was to them… Kaya hindi ako nagtaka sa sobrang daming tao na nagattend sa burial nya, naguumapaw ang simbahan plus ang daming tao pa sa labas - even children, nagabsent sa school to pay homage to a friend…

   A man of few words… Perfectionist… A good provider… Tough and strong… That’s how I see him… But never a friend… He was a person na hindi marunong magpakita ng emotion…

   I had vague memories of my childhood… We were so close then… Anywhere he goes, ksama ako… and he was my idol - he was an "FPJ" to me - hindi matatalo sa laban no matter how many the bad men were… Pero as I grew up, we drifted apart, hanggang sa dumating ang point na we talked only when necessary… Don’t know why… Pero I know deep inside me - sa principles, tigas ng loob, traits - i am like him in every way… Cguro yun ang reason why we were not close… Maybe totoo yung kasabihan na - You don’t like a person if you see yourself in him/her -  or something to that effect…

    When he lost his leg (diabetis) - hindi ko sya nakitaan ng panghihina ng loob… He was the same man - with or without his right leg - he is the same person pa rin… Never sya naging pabigat… He cooks; he does carpentry works; he sometimes feed and clean the pig pens (we had around 100 pigs then); he manages the small sari sari store he has; nagpa- palakol ng panggatong; at marami pang other things na ginagawa nya dati… I even recalled once - he killed a cobra using his crutches…

     Naging medyo close ulit kami… We discuss a lot of things when I am home (umuuwi ako atleast every month from work)- science, general info, business and mostly politics. Although he never finished college, wide reader sya and he loves listening to radio and watching educational programs… We discuss almost everything under the sun - but never feelings or emotion… He’s tough - and I’m tough - cguro parehas kami ng principle - Showing your emotion is a sign of weakness….

  As time passed by, mas madalang na paguwi ko… Papadami ang work, kakapagod… When I come home, I never even had a chance to talk to him - tulog lang ako the whole day - tapos luwas na ulit… Sabi ko - anjan lang naman sya eh…

   August 2006, i received an SMS from my sis - my father is sick.  He has not been eating for almost a week. Since malapit na release namin - sobrang pagod ako all the time - tinamad ako umuwi… YM ako sa ate ko - uwi ka kako, may sakit daw ang ama. dalhin mo sa doctor… my sister went home - but my father insisted that he’s OK. He even promised that  he’s gonna eat na, kaya no need na magpadoktor…

   I thought it was a simple case of flu… Kaya nagulat ako nung the following week - dinala na sya sa doctor. Di ako madalas makibalita - busy kasi eh…  Medyo nagising lang ako nung makausap ko sa phone ang ex ko - sabi nya, makibalita naman daw ako…

   When I got home, I passed by the hospital, mukha naman syang OK, medyo namayat lang ata - stayed for an hour tas uwi agad ako… Pagod na pagod ako eh! Kinabukasan gabi na ulit ako nakapunta - slept the whole day… Sabi ng nanay ko, hinahanap daw ako ng tatay ko…

    Nanlumo ako sa nakita ko… Ni hindi na pala sya makaupo ng magisa… kailangan nya pa ng support… And every breath he takes is a sign of agony… Natutulog sya pero bigla syang mapapasigaw sa sakit… Nagngangalit ang ipin nya kahit natutulog sya - his face is contorted in pain… His usual pinkish cheeks is as pale as death…

   My first impulse is to blame every one near him - bakit di agad sinabi na ganon ang lagay nya? bakit ganito? bakit ganon? -OO nga naman pala -  I was so busy… Kaya ni hindi ako nakakapangamusta…  Ok naman sya nung umalis ako 3weeks ago - nagusap pa kami tungkol sa plan nyang business… He was very enthusiastic then…

That was also the day na lumabas ang Ultrasound nya… May bukol daw somewhere near his kidney… Nung nakita nya ko - he was pleading that he wants to go home… Almost one week na sya sa hospital pero lumalala lang sya lalo… Kulang kasi sa pera…

Kahit alam ko na he’s not in good condition - i promised na uuwi kami kung magpapromise sya na kakain na sya… Nagpakitang gilas naman kinabukasan, kaya tinupad ko promise na iuwi sya…

  That night was the first time DEATH tried to take him away from us…

When we got home, I sense that something is terribly wrong with him… Pabago bago ang posisyon nya sa pagkakahiga almost every 15minutes… tagilid sa kaliwa - tagilid sa kanan… maya maya dadapa… tatagilid na naman… With every breath he is taking, he’s murmuring "Diyos ko po"… he was shouting in pain… Naguunahan na sa pagpatak ang luha ko… Wala akong magawa kundi hawakan ng mahigpit ang kamay nya…. I tried to stop crying - but my tears won’t stop falling…

   Hindi ko alam kung anong naramdaman ko nung marinig ko syang hirap na hirap  na tinawag yung name ko tapos sabi - Wag mo akong pababayaan… I cried like hell… I was shaking in fear… in fear of losing him… - a person whom I took for granted for so many years….

  When he finally fell asleep at almost 4am - i went out and literally cried my heart out… Paimpit akong sumisigaw - kinukwestyon ang Diyos kung bakit napaka-unfair nya… Kung bakit ang tatay ko… Ang dami dami ko pangarap para sa kanya… Ang dami dami kong plano… Kung kelan pa unti unti nang natutupad ang mga pangarap namin… Napakasama ko bang tao para sa akin mangyari ang lahat ng ito… Hindi ko maalala kung gaano ako katagal umiyak at kung ilang ulit akong nagmakaawa na sana wag ang tatay ko… MAHAL KO ANG TATAY KO!!!!

   Cguro totoong mabait si God - dahil binigyan nya pa ako ng chance na makasama ang father ko for another month…

  We learned from the next hospital na pinagpagkonsultahan namin na pumutok ang bukol na may nana sa kidney nya that’s why he is in pain… and they need to operate right away - kung kaya ng katawan nya… Hate ko talaga ang sugal pero noon ko naramdaman na - ito ang sugal na kailangan ko ilaban - if i want to keep my father…

  Three weeks in that hospital… Pinapaniwala ko ang sarili ko na he’s gonna be alright… In those weeks, two times pang nagattempt si God na kunin sya… Milyong beses akong nagmakaawa…

Pero there was a time that I was ready to let go… Ganon pala yun… No matter how you want to be with the person you love, pero alam mong nahihirapan sya… You will learn to let go… I got myself ready… Wala syang malay pero alam kong naririnig nya ako… I told him to let go na - kung nahihirapan na sya… That we need him pero kung di na nya kaya - pwede na sya umalis… Pero he was the same Old Father na nakilala ko - always strong, always tough… Kinaya nya ang lahat ng pain and suffering…

  When its time to go home, buong paniniwala ko he will get well… Pero Death is very playful - my cousin called me crying while I was in the office, di na raw makausap tatay ko… He was sleeping and won’t wake up anymore…

I rushed home immediately… And looking at his tired and pale face… I gave up all my desire of staying with him for another 24years of my life… Of having him around as I make all my dreams come true… and as I raise my family… With all the strength I can muster, I told him that he can go… But I can feel his hand grip tighter… I know that he wants to continue on fighting… To my neighbor’s disagreement - I brought him to the hospital - his sugar level just drop to a low of 16 that is why he lost consciousness… When he woke up - he was better than ever…

October 7… I realized that you cannot cheat Death… You cannot elude him forever… When its time to go, its time…

  I don’t remember how long I cried, hugging his lifeless body… It was so painful… Not comparable to any pain that I have ever experienced in my 24 years of existence… Sabi ko, bakit naman ganyan… Di ba bilin ko sa yo palakas ka para pagdating ko makakatayo ka na… Di ba ang dami natin pangarap? Sinumbatan ko sya for pretending that he is well tapos iiwan nya na pala ako… Wala na akong pakialam sa napakaraming tao - yun yung first time na nagpakita akong emotion sa harap ng maraming tao… I don’t care anymore if they think that I am a weakling… I was hurt… deeply hurt…

Andami ko pinagsisisihan…Never ko nasabi sa kanya how much I love him… How much he means to me… And everything that I was trying to achieve is for him… I never said sorry for the times that i have hurt him… And I never hugged him all my life…

I feel my world collapse around me… I can see the sand castle of my dreams being swept away by the waves….

But when I looked around, I saw my mother… my brother… my sisters… my nephew… Maybe I lost a father, but I still have these people who love me and are depending on me…

It’s hard to let go… Good-byes will always hurt, pictures can never replace him being there with us, memories are sometimes forgotten, words can never replace feelings…But I realized that its sometimes necessary to part ways…

And even if he’s gone… I know he will always be my angel… An angel who will guide me and pray for me and be there whenever I need him…

To the greatest father in the whole wide world, till we met again… I know that somehow, we’ll meet again…

Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It’s like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn, and that’s why they’re here… you’ll have that gift forever. - The Gift